What to do when your friend is having a hard time

Hi y'all! I'm Erica and I am a therapist in the Denver area. I thought I might share some thoughts on how support your friend when they are having a hard time. Here you go (:

"I got a D on my science test," says your friend with a dejected look in her eyes. She is planning to be valedictorian this year but her D puts that in jeopardy. "My dad is going to be so angry with me and now no colleges will want me." "I can never compare to my sister, she's perfect." Your friend looks so hurt and you have no idea what to say. "Don't worry about it, you'll come back on the next test," is all you can muster up before changing the subject.

Situations like these are common for teenagers, but that doesn't make them any less painful. The pressures in adolescents are high while some really difficult things happen at this age. Knowing how to help a friend is hard. Being with them while they are in pain and knowing you can't fix the situation is even harder.

Here are some things to avoid when trying to support your friend: Don't be on your phone when your friend is opening up or crying. Give them your full attention. They may not be getting attention from anyone else in their life or you may be the only person who they have opened up to about this. If your face is in your phone they may feel like you don't care and then never talk about it again with you or anyone else.

Try not to say "I know exactly how you feel." Even while you may have gone through the same thing, you two may be feeling completely different things. It is never helpful to assume how someone is feeling. While you may have also gotten a D on the test you both likely have different external factors that contribute to how you both feel. For example, she may have been up babysitting her little brother because she comes from a single-parent home and her father was working late. She may not have had the opportunity to study as much as she is helping parent her little brother.

Also, try to avoid advice unless your friend asks for it specifically. "What do you think I should do?" This is the perfect chance to add your thoughts and advice. "Have you thought about talking with Mr. Brady about extra credit?" If your friend doesn't ask you for advice then don't give it. If you really want to give them advice you can always ask them if they are open to ideas but otherwise keep your opinion and advice out of it.

Try to avoid adages like "you'll get 'em next time." Oftentimes people make these remarks because they do not know what else to say. These statements can feel disingenuous and may stop the conversation from going further. They may also entirely miss what your friend is needing at that moment: an opportunity to open up more about her pain.

So, what can you do? Be a great listener. Take what your friend is saying seriously. Make eye contact and say "I'm so sorry, that must be so hard." Remain kind, genuine and be interested.

Remain nonjudgmental. One of the biggest ways to shut down a conversation is to share your judgment or bias. Commenting "Well, you really should have studied harder this week," will only make your friend feel worse. Ask them questions about their experience and repeat what you heard. "That test was so hard; how did you do on the multiple-choice?" This question validates your friend's effort while allowing her to open up more about her experience. "I did okay on the multiple-choice but I didn't even get a chance to study. I was babysitting my little brother while my dad was working late again and then I had to work on my AP English paper. I was up until 3:00 AM."

Lastly, a helpful tip is to check in with them later. Send them a text or give them a call later that day or the next day. Ask them how they are doing or let them know you are thinking about them. Small acts of kindness and letting someone know that you care and are thinking of them go a long way.