"Victory is the beautiful, bright-colored flower. Transport is the stem without which it could never have blossomed." Winston Churchill
High school was not easy. Is it for anyone, though? Freshman year I jumped full throttle into what I thought would be the best 4 years of my life. New friends, new classes, countless new and exciting experiences. What was there not to be excited about?
Long story short, I quickly found myself knee deep in a toxic relationship, one that left me insecure, scared, and traumatized. As a result, I fell head first into what would become a 3 year battle with an eating disorder.
In the beginning, I don't think I fully understood what I was doing to myself, how the choices I was making significantly affected my health and my relationships with friends and family. Within a matter of a few months, I ended up at the hospital having lost nearly 30 pounds. The chaos that ensued following my stay at the hospital ended up consuming the next 2 and a half years of my life.
I was forced into physical recovery, following a meal plan mandated by doctors and enforced by my parents. I was sent to countless therapists, nutritionists, counselors, and treatment centers. I may have eventually reached a better place physically, but mentally I was no where near recovered. During this time, I became distant from all of my friends, relationships that I had for years crumbled, and my home life felt like a never-ending stream of conflict between my parents and I.
It wasn't until my senior year of high school that I finally began to feel the burden of my eating disorder fade. I still followed a strict maintenance meal plan and struggled emotionally with social events involving food. But, I could sense my independence growing and I knew that if I was to ever achieve my dreams in life, I would need to put this behind me and not let it hold me down any longer.
By the time graduation rolled around, I was beginning to sense this liberation that I had dreamed about for so long. My friendships were on the mend, screaming fights were a thing of the past between my parents and I. No longer did I feel exclusively reliant upon the disorder that I had clung to so tightly over the past 3 years. I am unable to express in words the excitement that came with such an achievement - I was finally beginning to feel free.
The summer after senior year, my family and I took a trip to Seattle, Washington and Vancouver, British Columbia that I had the privilege of planning myself as a graduation gift. It was my first time traveling outside of the U.S. and the first time that I felt truly free from my eating disorder. This trip was more than just a graduation gift, it became a celebration of achievement and recovery. I no longer felt held back, scared, or attached to the destructive coping mechanism that I had held onto for so long. I was able to let go and enjoy the experience of a lifetime with energy, enthusiasm, and joy.
Sometimes it feels easier to focus on our failures, struggles, or afflictions. But, I have learned that regardless of wherever you are in life, or whatever battles you are fighting, you have the ability to be victorious. Every victory, regardless of size or importance, deserves to be celebrated.
Let every small victory bloom as proof that you are worth it, you are strong, and you can do anything.
Robyn - Thank you for sharing this... reminds me of one of my favorite quotes that hangs in my daughter's therapist's office.... "Beautiful girl, you can do hard things." Thank you for sharing your story of overcoming and celebration! Loud applause!
Wow. That was a good story. Was it hard to write? Anyway, good for you for putting that behind you. We all deal with some sort of pain that is hard to put behind us. Again, good story.
Yes Robyn, you are so worth all of your hard work towards your recovery! What amazing courage and strength you have. I am so celebrating this victory with you.
Robyn, your story is so beautiful. While reading it, I could truly feel the freedom you experienced. I totally agree that all victories should be celebrated no matter how small. Change and freedom don't happen over night. It is those small day-to-day choices and victories that add up to produce big changes.
“Small wins have a transformational power. Once a small win has been accomplished, forces are set in motion to favor another small win and another small win until the combination of these small wins lead to larger and greater accomplishments.” - Mehrnaz Bassiri.
What a powerful story of accomplishment and survival Robyn. I'm sure you felt like giving up, but you didn't and you made it to the other side! I loved your line about "This trip was more than just a graduation gift, it became a celebration of achievement and recovery." I bet you look back on that trip as a badge of honor. A reward for accomplishing something amazing. We need rewards like that in life. Not only to give us something to strive for, but also to look back on and remember how hard we worked to get there.
Robyn, this story is beautiful for so many reasons! Your road to recovery was (and is) long and hard, but that's proof that you really are healing. People who think that they can recover from things quickly without doing the hard work are just fooling themselves. Society tells us a lot of lies about what beauty is, and I also struggle with believing those lies. I am so proud of you for spending the last few years sorting through the pain and the lies. Many people don't ever do the work that you've done, and they either battle an eating disorder for their whole life or they end up dying from it. You are an inspiration and you are going to do amazing things!! "I hope everyone out there remembers that personal failures, mental and physical disorders, and other difficulties in life do not define who they are at their core." Your story is also beautiful because you have learned where true beauty lies--in our core. You are clearly far beyond beautiful and strong. Your story makes me proud to be a girl; it also reminds me that I, too, can overcome anything. Thanks for giving me a reason to smile today.
@Robyn , I'm so sorry that happened to you. I can't imagine what that must of been like to go through. My favorite YouTuber, Shane Dawson, also went through an eating disorder, but his was the opposite of yours. He ate so much he ended up GAINING a ton of weight and he, like you, suffered from that throughout high school. He eventually recovered from it like you; working hard to loose weight and he's a lot skinnier now. But, even though this was at least 10 years ago, you can tell it still affects him today. There are countless times in his videos where you hear him say things like, "ugh. I've been gaining so much weight lately. I look fat." even though he really doesn't look like he's gained any weight. And he's constantly been working out with his trainer to lose all that weight. But both you and him are truly inspirations for not just people who also suffer from eating disorders, but for everyone. The fact that you guys both conquered it means that you and everyone else in the world can conquer anything. And I really like your quote you shared at the beginning. I love your post. Thanks for sharing!